Dealing With Change

This is the thing. Everyday is so different. Today I went from feeling calm and ready for the day, ready to tackle the literal and figurative baggage that is literally and figuratively weighing me down, to anger as I headed out the door. I want to be in control while simultaneously I want someone else to bail me out. I realize that my own self-esteem and confidence are mine to contend with to build up or break down. No one else is going to repair this for me. But it would be great to feel great. I am a mess right now and it is obvious, at least to those who know me, those who don't, must just think me a mess. URG! I tried screaming in my car today--it didn't help. I need to vent so here is my hate list:

I hate that I cannot open the driver's side door of my car because the handle is broken. I was reminded of this as I joyfully went to open this door this morning and was angry. My outlook has changed but my car--the reality hasn't. My outlook became bad.

I hate the car. I didn't choose it and I think it is a piece of junk and when I have to deal with its inevitable problems I hate it more. Some days I imagine beating it ala Office Space; other days I imagine careening it, me in it into a tree, for a break not death but an extended break.

I hate that none of the music in the car is mine and that I can't find cds I like. (The car is old). I hate that to listen to NPR I have to start the car---after climbing in from the passenger side--and then get back out, carefully leaving the door ajar to put up the antenna (I said it was old!).

I hate my classroom because it is too small and I can't ever to seem to find materials nor effectively deal with them. If a kid places a text book on my shelf of papers, the paper have disappeared, until the end of the day when I now have 50 more copies of something that I don't want. I hate paper and that I don't have access to the computer lab and that my students have limited access to computers. I miss using computers and electronically posting most things.

I hate spending all of my time thinking about school but can't seem to stop.

I hate that I don't feel effective.

I hate sitting in pd that I could and probably should be delivering if I wasn't in the middle of a colossal break down.

I hate that I am perpetually behind in grading and planning...

I hate that I have rarely worked in a team environment and that I am expected to figure it out all by myself again and again and again and again with no real feedback, support, assistance etc.

I hate feeling out of control.

I hate my small house that is chaotic because I am all over the place.

That's all for now.